I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
