i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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