Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
