If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
