So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
