genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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