Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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