They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
