i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
