I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I got inside last night via doggy door
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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