Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
