I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
