I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
we're making bets on your personal life
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
