Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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