that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
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