fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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