So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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