your thong is hanging out like whoa
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
