Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Operation Purity has been aborted
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
