I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
