omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
