You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
