Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
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