none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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