cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
