i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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