I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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