Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
