I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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