We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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