I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
