he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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