lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
You left your underwear on the fireplace
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
