Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
