So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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