ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
