I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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