Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
