Can i not drive my cunt home
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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