I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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