And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
