God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
