last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Randomize
