as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Randomize
