my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
