There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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