Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
