Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
