Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
