nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
