Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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