you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Randomize