i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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