I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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