and you said cock pushups were impossible
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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