I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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