if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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