it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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