did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
