We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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