Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
