I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
you are never too drunk for berry picking
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
